Knife fights may be conducted one-on-one or in gangs of hunters against bucks. That includes axes, box cutters, daggers, rondels, long swords, pizza cutters, machetes and disposable razors. Tactics include making defamatory remarks about the deer's mother, their ethnic heritage and who their doe has been sleeping around with.ĭuring knife fight season, just about anything with a blade is allowed. What orphan, juvenile delinquent or young buck doesn't love a good knife fight? In an effort to bring the wilderness to the masses, this year the Department of Wildlife has added the excitement of knife fighting to deer and elk hunting season.ĭuring knife fighting season, hunters will be required to stalk their prey on foot, goading them into confrontations using a series of taunts and insults. Horses and ATV's are not allowed during primitive weapons season all hunts are to be conducted on foot. And just to maintain the authentic flavor of the season, hunters will be required to wear full suits of armor, normal helmets, breastplates, knight gauntlets and chain mail. Primitive weapons season is aimed at bringing back the festive mood of the Middle Ages: when warriors sought deer and elk for food instead of trophies. If the hunters so desire, they may also build elaborate forts, surrounded by moats in an attempt to lure their prey under a veil of boiling oil. These include spears, blowguns, rocks, sticks, morning stars, nail bats, punji sticks, torches, bolas, chakras, atlatls, meteor hammers, quarterstaffs, catapults, ballistas and slingshots. If wilderness wrestling season catches on, you may even see other styles proliferate, such as Greco-Wilderness wrestling, Wilderness Judo wrestling, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Wilderness wrestling and of course, Wilderness Sumo wrestling.ĭuring primitive weapons season, hunters will be restricted to using weapons whose origin was prior to the 17th century. Wilderness Umpires, employees of the USDA Forest Service, will prowl the outback, counting down "mat pins" and resolving disputes between the hunter and the hunted. Of course, with the new regulations will come the necessity for Wilderness Umpires. Instead of relying on the cowardly skill of a clean shot from 75 yards, hunters will need to learn the importance of sneaking up on their prey, muscling them to the ground using a Full Nelson. Wilderness wrestling schools will start popping up all over the country, replacing obsolete gun shops and rifle ranges. Wrestling season will also create an entirely new cottage industry. Hunters participating in wrestling season will be required to wear traditional, camouflaged competitive wrestling shorts, boots, kneepads and headgear. While it's true that few deer and elk are as yet schooled against these maneuvers, they can still flee into the brush until they've had time to become coached in the new techniques. Instead of high-powered weapons, hunters will have to stalk and bring down their prey through a number of legal "take down moves" such as the Atomic Drop, Antler Smash, Flying Arm Scissor, Jawbreaker, Hoof Drop, Mat Slam, Reverse Neck Snap, Argentine Pile Driver, Body Slam, Full Nelson and the Leg Scissor Takedown. Playing by the rules of the wilderness, the deer and elk stand to win at least an occasional contest against man. Wrestling season will even out the contest between even the best hunters and the hunted. So, it only makes sense that it should be integrated into the great American pastime: deer and elk hunting. What I'm talking about, of course, is the institution of wrestling season, primitive weapons season followed by knife fighting season.Īmateur and professional wrestling is the life-blood of all young men from high school age to adulthood. So, to rectify the problem the US Fish and Wildlife Service has agreed to replace the three conventional hunting seasons this year with fairer, more humane seasons meant to "level the playing field" for deer and elk. Unfortunately, the deer and elk stand absolutely defenseless against this array of artillery.įorced to live off the land by just their instincts and lightning-fast reactions, wildlife is helpless against these man-made weapons of mass destruction. of Wildlife institutes new, fairer hunting seasons.įrom Vermont to California, there have always been three traditional hunting seasons: archery, muzzleloader, followed by high-power rifle season. New Rules for Deer and Elk Hunting Season!įrom Vermont to California, there have always been three traditional hunting seasons: archery, muzzleloader, followed by high-power rifle season.
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